Rushing
by Rivkayl Jaywash
Summary: Little peices of River before; during; after academy. no particular order
1. Breaking down

It was a hill. One that made her want to sit down and weep. It loomed above her casting a shadow over everything. Everything she had left.

River constantly wanted to get off it. She'd climb a little way before collapsing back in exhaustion. But she couldn't just say no. she couldn't just walk back down and get a lift upward. It was her life; River's despair incarnated as it taunted her with the knowledge that she would not get herself back if she did not conquer it. She kept trying, flooded with the determination that she would not lose herself to them ever again. Yet she tired constantly, unwilling but falling back no matter how hard she scrambled to keep her grip on the slippery slope. It turned to ice beneath her feet, numbing her extremities and abolishing any chance she had at holding onto that thin layer of ground she had gained.

She broke down on occasion, clinging to Simon; her safety net, in her anguish. She curled in his arms like a child, yelling at him that she couldn't, wouldn't do it any more. She couldn't keep climbing. Every part of her ached but it wasn't getting any better. She'd tried; oh god how she'd tried to be herself, to stop the voices and the impulses and the layers of foreign things that blotted her mind. The hill was still there. What more could she do? How much of her was really worth this? Why wasn't there a quick fix; she'd done all she could and begged the heavens constantly for help, appealing to whatever presence might exist in the universe to release her from what the alliance had trapped her in. Just let me stop, she'd think, just let me melt away and tell them they won. She longed for the privilege to give up.

River needed these occasions. She never meant what she said or thought. She needed these moments to remember that this was her life and all of who she was. And the other option, giving up… would make her lose herself forever. It would never give her the opportunity to grow and relearn the meanings behind life. She couldn't give up. It was climb the hill or melt into blackness. She took these moments of weakness to realise exactly how human she still was. River would play it all around in her mind. As long as she broke down; listed all the reasons for giving up and realised that they did not outweigh the reasons for her to live, which were infinitesimal, then she could continue. She could climb that hill, hand in hand with the people who surrounded her and cared if she lived as a person.


	2. Little mouse

River trotted along the buzzing campus; thick heavy books held in her too-small arms. She stabilized them with her chin adding to her vision as she could see over the top of them. Despite not being able to see where she was placing them her feet moved steadily over the gravel covered ground until she spotted her target. Her pace increased despite the load she carried.

They spotted her coming. River smiled at the many varieties of voiced that called her name, welcoming her to the group. She dumped her books and sat happily, getting hugged by the nearest presence.

"It's my little mouse!" Amanda exclaimed, hugging River's shoulders. She was getting thumped on the back at the same time as she laughed.

"How are you River?" Jeremy asked her. River smiled.

"Glad to be back," she said honestly. Amanda beamed.

"Yeah, because Uni is so much fun."

"Where'd you go anyway? I missed you company in Theory of Physics," Troy punched her lightly on the arm. River wrinkled her nose at him.

"My parents took me to Shinon for my birthday," she sighed, "which ended up being one of Dad's business meetings."

"It was your birthday?" Troy asked incredulously, "you should have told us, we could have hit the town!"

"Hey, Tiny Tam can't drink yet!" Jeremy reproved. Troy slumped sheepishly.

"Right… sorry, mousy."

"Then again she could start early…"

"You are _not _turning my little mouse into a lush!" Amanda pulled River to her protectively. River giggled.

"Troy," She said seriously, "I've heard stories of you and sake… and honestly I think you'd have had more fun than me." Whoops and laughter broke out as Jeremy and Amanda high-fived her to acknowledge her score.

"How old are you now?" Amanda asked.

"Thirteen," River said casually.

"Oh my…" Jeremy covered his mouth, trying not to laugh, "Guys, our Little Mouse is a teenager!"

"Look out, she's gonna go moody on us," Troy laughed, earning himself a light beating from River.

"Anyway," River said, settling the noise, "I'm having a party in a week; a _real _one, and love it if you guys would come."

"We'll be there," Jeremy affirmed. Troy and Amanda agreed wholeheartedly.

"Hey, Mousy, we've got to get to calculus," Amanda tapped River's shoulders. River nodded, gathering her bundle once more.

"Cya guys later!" The two girls' chorused. Troy and Jeremy waved them off.

"So, with this party next week," Amanda asked slowly, "is your bother going to be there?"

River smiled to herself.

"Yes," she said with equal casualness in her voice before stealing a cheeky glance at Amanda, "and were you to engage him in conversation I'm sure you'd find him nervous but eager."

"Stop speaking nonsense," Amanda muttered teasingly, but River noted the flush creeping up her face. She smiled to herself, thinking that she was definitely glad to be back.


	3. Repetition

The pen seemed like it must be leaving indents in the table with the amount of force that was being driven into its frantic activities

The pen seemed like it must be leaving indents in the table with the amount of force that was being driven into its frantic activities. Had River cared; she might have realised her hand was on the verge of cramping. She continued to drag the pen relentlessly across the page; focusing on the few most important words she knew she had to get through. _Simon… help… hurting… Simon… can't take it… Simon… _She had repeated the same thing so often but she didn't care. Repetition would make him see, would show him that she needed him. River's writing was flawless despite the desperation her words held.

River's page ripped as it flew suddenly out of her pen's ravenous path; it gouged a long line into the table in frustration of the sudden inertial rebuke. River kept her eyes focused on the table but hung her head.

"What are you doing?!" a voice chastised; River could hear the paper being read bodily in a grasp that wasn't her. Noises of rebuke sounded from a tongue and River let her head fall further toward her chest; not out of shame but despair that she had been caught. Though her hair River saw a figure crouch and felt one of her hands being enveloped. Despite the voice screaming in River's head to pull it away, she stayed as still as possible. She was shaking.

"River," the voice was overly gentle; a false sweet note behind it like meringue; to sweet after a while that it made you feel sick. Sinister sweetness.

"Sweetie, what have I told you about writing such silly things? I've just had to ban you from writing. You wouldn't want your brother to go through another five months without hearing from you, would you? Imagine how he'd feel! He'd think you didn't care about him."

_Simon would never think that,_ the small part of River that could fight snarled inwardly, but it was dulled by the rest of her that had been coated in a shroud by piercing needles and their fluids provoking submission. Still; she held the faded thought. It was the one that had kept her sane this far.

"Come on now, write properly. There are plenty of things to say, look up on the board if you need some ideas."

River glanced at the list of false activities that had apparently gone on at her 'school.' A fresh piece of paper had been plopped in front of her and River watched the attending nurse walk away, scrunching her plea between her hands. There was hardly any thought given as the nurse flipped open a rubbish bin and dropped the paper lightly in. she resumed her pacing, checking the other children's work. River stared at the bin, refusing her tear ducts an opening and, she thought, _them _their satisfaction. Despite this River felt hopelessness surround her. Every time she'd tried to tell Simon, even if she hid it in the middle of a sentence, they'd caught it. Last time she'd been banned for the offence. She stared hard at the words washing across the board in front of her; almost seeing through them. _Seeing though them…_ River's mind sprung into action. Careful not to take the paper in front of her with too much vigour, she took the pen in hand and began to write.

"There now, that wasn't too hard, was it?" the nurse smiled down at River over the paper flooding with her handwriting. River smiled slightly as she was supposed too.

"That's right. You brother will be so happy to get this won't he? I'm proud of you." she plodded off, collecting the other scrawled lies. River sat back and waited to be escorted back. Inside her her heart was screaming its victory, and River for the first time was glad that its song was silent.


	4. Contemplative

Set in Serenity the episode

_Set in Serenity the episode_

Mal carefully lifted Kaylee's fallen hand, placing it back beside her. The now silent infirmary made him uneasy, especially when there were two still figures there with him. Carefully stoking Kaylee's head one last time, Mal allowed himself to take in the doctor's sister in detail for the first time. Since waking her from stasis Mal had been more concerned with trying to gauge the situation rather than considering the girl herself; now that he watched her he understood her brothers desire to free her. She looked so fragile. _River was more than just gifted… she was a gift_. Mal sighed. The girl looked so serene in her sleep but still… something on the edge of her features filled him with unease. Mal stared at her pale face; smiling slightly at her hand gripping the blanket with two fingers for security. He remembered her panic as she clambered out of her box; for a moment confirming Mal's suspicions that the doctor had in some way abused her… well, he'd been half right. Then it had taken her a few moments to fully recognise her brother as he approached, even to remember how to move if the jerks in her movements were anything to go by. Mal had seen panic like that before, but it just seemed wrong for it to be embodied in the child before him. He sighed, patting Kaylee's arm once more before exiting the infirmary, deep in thought.


	5. On The Road

River was torn between wanting to stay in Simon's arms and wanting to leap into the escort car without looking back

River was torn between wanting to stay in Simon's arms and wanting to leap into the escort car without looking back. Compromising by giving her brother an especially tight hug, she pulled reluctantly out of his arms, accepting his kiss.

"I'll miss you, Mei-mei," he said, embracing her once more, "write every week and have fun."

"I will, Simon," she gripped his hands, "I'll miss you too."

River farewelled her parents once more before striding excitedly to the car. She waved behind her and thanked the chauffeur as he held the door open. Enclosed in the relative silence of the vehicle, she continued to wave until her family disappeared from view. River sighed, her toes moving as they always did when she was excited. She had been waiting for moths now; and to finally be going to the Alliance's top school was causing her inability to sit still. She looked restlessly around the vehicle, noting the wrinkles in the leather roof. She glanced at her driver, feeling unsure of what to do. But the excitement inside her was so great; she had to do something.

"Excuse me?"

The Driver looked back in his mirror at her timid question.

"Can I help you, miss?" he asked.

"I, uh," River fidgeted uncomfortably, "Am I allowed to talk to you?"

"Why, of course!" the driver sounded genuinely happy, "you smart kids don't usually like to is all."

"Oh…" River honestly didn't know what to say to that. She glanced at her feet as though looking for conversation suggestions.

"I'm River," she decided introductions were the best tactic.

"Fredrick," The driver's eye visible in the mirror crinkled into a smile.

"Is it a nice campus, the academy?" River asked him, "I haven't seen it yet."

"Oh, 'tis fair pretty," Fredrick told her, "served there as a janitor a number of years 'fore now. Good folk."

River managed to loose herself in the conversation, dulling the gnawing impatience that had been troubling him moments before. Over an hour had passed before Fredrick interrupted her.

"Sorry, Miss River," He said awkwardly, "I… had a bit of gas this morning and… well I think it's in your best interest if I put the screen up for a few minutes."

"Oh, sure," River said as easily as possible, trying to limit his embarrassment.

"Thankee." The little of his face River could see soon disappeared behind a black screen.

River sighed, feeling the excitement creep in on her again as she tried to focus on the images flashing by outside the windows. She took a deep breath. It came hard. River furrowed her brow in confusion. Trying again, she found the car to be quite airless. Her head spun; something was wrong. Her heartbeat had risen to pound in her head, slowly building a rushing in her ears. River couldn't focus. An intense ringing began to clog her ears. River lurched forward, knocking against the screen.

"Hello?" her lips moved slowly, the words were too rounded. River tried again.

"Fred? I'm feeling… fre…"

Coherency was leaving her; mobility too. River collapsed onto the floor. Moaning, she tried to pull herself back up, but her body had betrayed her. Before her eyes fell, River saw a soft yellow cloud seeping out of the roof. Then the ringing in her ears took her over and her head slumped against the door.

In the front of the car, Fredrick flicked the buttons on the console of the car.

"Allied scientific instillation," a voice sounded.

"Barry, its Fred. Tell Matthias I've got the Tam girl."

"Will do. See you when you get here."

"Thanks, Bazz." Fredrick disconnected the call. Glancing at a flickering video feed beside the steering wheel, he saw River sprawled on the floor of the car. Her chest was rising and falling unevenly and her hair was strewn across the seat. _Pity, _Fred thought to himself, _she's a nice kid. _ He sighed, taking comfort in the fact that he would not have to see what would happen to her.


End file.
